A Way to Prevent Heartbreak: Clarify Expectations

 

I have wanted to talk about this for months–how to prevent unnecessary hurt from unmet expectations–but last week an incident happened with one of my associates that really catalyzed me to share this urgently. So let’s talk about unmet expectations.

Whether it’s between spouses, parent and child, boss and workers or even among co-workers, family folk and church members, this is quite a common occurrence. This is particularly so African, Chinese, Japanese and Korean cultures that employ indirect communication.  If you’re like me, you’ve probably been hurt before by unmet expectations. In fact, sometimes we don’t even realize we had an expectation until it was not met!

Mark Twain once said, “What gets us into trouble is not what we don’t know. It’s what we know for sure that just ain’t so.”  We tend to have expectations that are unconscious, unrealistic,  unspoken and unagreed upon. Let me share how you can flip these four things around and protect your heart against heartbreaks from unmet expectations. I owe this life-saving lesson from my New Yorkan mentors, Pete and Geri Scazzero.s

 

THE MILLION DOLLAR QUESTION

How do you know your expectations are valid or not? As hard-to-take as this may seem, when the expectation is unconscious  it is invalid.  In fact, if even we don’t even know we have them until we are disappointed how on earth is the other person supposed to know and meet it? When it is unrealistic it is invalid as well. Even if it is reasonable and we are conscious of it but it has not been articulated, it is still invalid. The common lame excuse we tend to give is, “Oh, but they should know?!”

In the event that our expectations meet all the above three criteria–conscious, realistic, spoken–but the other party has not agreed to them, they are still invalid. While this may seem very Western, I have learnt as an African-Canadian that it is never wise to assume agreement!

Of course, important caveats include marriage (where the vows already spoken have created certain clear expectations like fidelity), parent-child relationships (expectation of chores) and employer-employee dynamics where expectations have been clearly laid out in contracts and policy and supposedly read and accented to. Even in these relationships with broad-stroke expectations, situations occur that demand clarifying expectations further.

 

WHAT TO DO TO FORESTALL HEARTBREAKS

To prevent heartbreaks from unmet expectations, ensure your expectations are:

(1) Conscious: I am aware of my expectation.

(2) Realistic: I have evidence to support that the expectation is reasonable in the sense that the other is able and willing.

(3) Spoken: I have expressed the expectation clearly.

(4) Agreed Upon: The other person has agreed to the expectation by saying “yes.”

I would highly recommend you take the Scazzero’s Emotionally Healthy Relationships course for a full meal and good skill-building in this area they call Stop Mind Reading and Clarifying Expectations.

 

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN HURT HAPPENS

In the event that hurt still happens from unmet expectations, valid or not, REFRAMING the painful experience is everything. As John Maxwell renders it in the Law of Pain, “good management of bad experiences can lead to growth.” Reframe the painful experience as follows (modified from a Maxwell process):

a) Define the problem –> The painful situation I need to process right now is…

b) Understand your emotion –> My feelings about this are…

c) Articulate the lesson –> My lessons in is this are…

d) Identify a desired change –> The changes I want to effect are…

e) Brainstorm numerous pathways –> The ways out are…

f) Receive others’ input –> What I’m learning from others is…

g) Implement a course of action –> My course of action is 1. Embrace the reality of pain 2. Learn my lesson(s) 3. Share my lessons 4. Change a. ______ b. ______ c. ______  d. _____.

 

CONCLUSION

You know what they say happens when you assume: you make an ass of u and me. An expectation is only valid when it is mutually agreed upon. Let’s do less heart damage by providing and demanding clear expectations of others. Let’s ensure in all our relationships that our expectations are conscious, realistic, articulated and agreed upon. And when things fall through the cracks and we feel the sting of pain from unmet expectations, let’s reframe the experience well so we can still grow and flourish.

The Cycle of Value

 

Truly, truly, “you must see value in yourself to add value to yourself.”  The author of The 15 Laws of Invaluable Growth calls this principle the Law of the Mirror. Author Denis Waitley put it another way: “Personal development is the belief that you are worth the effort, time, and energy needed to develop yourself.”   Investment in your personal growth yields interest–not simple but compound interest–and it is a great deception to not significantly invest in yourself under the guise of ‘self-sacrifice’ for others when the real truth is that you do not see significant value in your own self to make that investment in you.

You are of immense value. This is not based on your net worth or network, salary or social status. It has nothing to do with your height or weight and whether or not you are photogenic and have a great social media following. You and I are of immense value simply because we are human, made in the image and likeness of the Great One. Theologians call this notion of being made in the image of God, imago Dei.

When as coaches we speak of adding value to your life, therefore, we are not implying you could be worth more or less as a human being but that you could develop the innate gifts, passions, dreams and personality traits you have to maximise your potential and impact.  Many people, sadly, do not realize they are of immense value and worth that investment. They run around all year, every day, adding value to others through the goods and services they produce as workers but don’t make the time or put aside the money to grow themselves.  I repeat: it is a great deception to not significantly invest in yourself under the guise of ‘self-sacrifice’ for others when the real truth is that you do not see significant value in your own self to make that investment in you. Not all so-called ‘self-sacrifice’ is actually ‘noble.’ Yes, “you must see value in yourself to add value to yourself.”

 

CHICKEN OR EGG

So which one comes first? Seeing value in ourselves and so adding value to ourselves or adding value to ourselves first and then beginning to see value in ourselves? John Maxwell says, “It doesn’t matter which occurs first. One feeds the other. What matters is that the cycle of value starts.”

In addition, adding value to others, making a difference in their lives, has been documented to lift our own self-esteem. As Maxwell puts it succinctly, ‘It’s hard to feed bad about yourself when you’re doing something good for someone else.” Under normal circumstances, “adding value to others makes them value you more” also. In fact, another aspect of seeing and appreciating our own worth comes when we add value to others. Hence the value cycle below.

 

THE REAL CAP AND REAL KICKER

Herculian governments, Machiavellian bosses, helicopter parents (and the list goes on) can all put a ceiling on our potential but by far our own self esteem is the most significant lid on our potential! Psychiatrist and self-esteem expert Nathaniel Branden put it succinctly: “No factor is more important in people’s psychological development and motivation than the value judgments they make about themselves.” “It is the lid on your potential,” Maxwell chimes in. “If your desire is a 10 but your self-esteem is a 5, you’ll never perform at the level of a 10. You’ll perform as a 5 or lower. People are never able to outperform their self-image.”

And the real kicker is this: the value we place on ourselves is usually the value others place on us. “If you put  small value on yourself,” again says Maxwell, “rest assured the world will not raise the price.”  I remember being interviewed for the presidency of a Canadian charity and the board requesting that I move my family from one end of the country to the other (and don’t forget, Canada is the second widest country on earth!). I did not feel that was the best move, literally and figuratively, for my family, our God-given purpose in the city of Montreal and even for my vision of expanding the organization beyond where it had been limited to in 25 years.  Knowing my value I said “No, thank you.”  I politely but clearly and strongly said to the august board: “If this move is that important to you, then I’m not your man for the job.”  Needless to say, they went along with my decision and I had the privilege of serving in the role for eight years.

 

 

When I mentioned on social media this notion of how others (and indeed life) will only treat us according to the value we place on ourselves, my childhood friend Samuel in Minnesota, USA reminded me of  a classic Jessie B. Rittenhouse poem that succinctly captures this principle:

 

I bargained with Life for a penny,

And Life would pay no more,

However I begged at evening

When I counted my scanty store;

 

For Life is just an employer,

He gives you what you ask,

But once you have set the wages,

Why, you must bear the task.

 

I worked for a menial’s hire,

Only to learn, dismayed,

That any wage I had asked of Life,

Life would have paid.

 

SO WHAT’S YOUR WORTH?

Everyone needs to find the happy middle between being selfless (as if only other people count) and being selfish (as if nobody else counts).  If you don’t like what you’re reaping in life then check what you’re sowing. Do you see in yourself the value the Creator does?  Do you believe in that value enough to invest in yourself to see grow exponentially, flourish and bless others? For real, there’s a whole wide world waiting to be impacted by you but truly, truly, “you must see value in yourself to add value to yourself.”

American Shitocracy and African Shitholes

‘Shit hole’ status is not the preserve of any people group, state or nation. Seasons change. Kingdoms rise and fall with terrific and terrible leadership respectively. Great civilizations have come and gone. If Africa continues on a trajectory of principle-centred, values-based, effectual leadership and America continues on her trajectory of shit-based leadership for long enough the tables will turn!

 

Bit by bit we’ve seen the shroud of so-called American exceptionalism come apart. Rent piece by piece, she’s revealing her warts to a watching world, stuck at home. What she’s done well for over 200 years to conceal—and not wash her dirty linen in public either—a combination of democratized social media, a TRUMPeting emperor with no clothes and a plaguing pandemic have conspired to expose. Lynchings like George Floyd’s are not new; it’s the handy smart phones and social media apps at the finger tips that capture and broadcast these which are.

Last Wednesday’s attempted coup d’état at the U.S. Capitol was the nadir of the last four years’ declivitous decline from apparent democracy to real shitocracy. I am not one to use the s-word; I’m only playing on the words of the supposed most powerful man on earth. Many aspects of the attack on the ‘people’s house’ by armed rioters a.k.a. domestic terrorists dropped my jaws (and kept my mouth agape) but the most shocking was literally the filthiest of all: desecration of the House with faecal matter, well-known in ‘shit hole countries’ as ‘shit bombing’. Just when you thought America could sink no further. 

The shit-hole-country-conferring president of the Divided States of America inspired this group of shit bombers.

 

Let me tell America(ns) how we, Africans, got shit holed: LEADERSHIP! A long string of shit hole leadership like you’ve now gotten in the Black House (it’s only painted white and so-called but we know it was built by Blacks). If Africa continues on a trajectory of principle-centred, values-based, effectual leadership and America continues on her trajectory of shit-based leadership for long enough the tables will turn! You know how I know? Because “everything rises and falls on leadership,” E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-NG, shit and all. And that is a principle; a timeless, fundamental law of the universe that is no respecter of persons: red or yellow, black or white.

‘Shit hole’ status is not the preserve of any people group, state or nation. Seasons change. Kingdoms rise and fall with terrible and terrific leadership respectively. Great civilizations have come and gone. And I mean, greater civilizations than America, and that dominated for much longer than the toddling USA. America could be tomorrow what we call “ancient Egypt” today. Or even the beggarly Greece today, yes, Socrates, Aristotle and Plato’s Greece of yestercentury. In the last decade Portugal found itself borrowing money from her former colony Angola.

Meanwhile, my Ghanaian-Canadian children today wonder what is so ‘Great’ about Britain. Brexit?  As for America, in the last few weeks we’ve spent more time at our Family Altar repeatedly praying for political peace in America and for the eradication of ignorance and disease (COVID-19) there than we have prayed about any of these for Africa!

Now to my fellow Africans.  In the light of how backward America has proven to be recently, perhaps it is beginning to dawn on you that we may not be as backward as they (and some others) would like us to think! After all, when our ancestors were building pyramids their European forebears were but Barbarians (note: barbarian or barbaric is still not a fluttering word in the English dictionary today). 

At the very time when there were prolonged pre, para and post electoral tensions in America, even with a sitting president refusing to concede but rather raising false alarms of a rigged election, Ghana figuratively and literally came from behind to vote, certify results within 72 hours and has already sworn-in a new president (an occasion the American president nominated American officials to attend). Now, look who’s shit hole!

 

Which is worse: being called shit hole or being shitty? It was America’s shitocracy that christened African countries as shit hole. But neither shitocracy nor shit hole is good enough for Africa or America. I have substantial interest in the prosperity of both peoples on both sides of the Atlantic–and so does the whole world stand to benefit. So upward and onward with godly, principle-centred, values-based, effectual leadership for the benefit of our peoples and to the glory of God. No more shit–shit holing, shit hollering or shit bombing. We were made for so much more than this.

Africa! America! African-Americans, arise, clean up and shine! Let our worst years be the last four; and our worst days among the last four too.

All these politicians are falling over themselves just to SERVE us?

I doubt it. I am skeptical that all these politicians are falling over themselves just to serve us, we the people. After a couple of decades of being a student of leadership, including a Masters in Global Leadership, I came to this simplicity at the far end of complexity that leadership is basically response-ability, service and influence. A total leader is and does all three. But even service has different degrees.

 

A few years ago some people were very cross with me after I mentioned on a live television interview on Good Evening Ghana that the then Ghanaian president wasn’t much of a leader (in terms of influence). He was very response-able, no doubt. I knew that quite well personally since we used to live in the same residential area and attended the same church. The honourable gentleman was a great servant as well–even as vice-president he was still volunteering to do such ‘menial’ tasks in the community. Such a role model in humility. But his charisma and ability to make things happen in and through others (influence) left much to be desired.

Of course there are those who are great public influencers but can’t even be response-able in their own marriage or toward their children. Such incomplete leaders are asked by the lawyer-turned-preacher, Paul, in the ancient texts, not to vie for leadership in the church. Here is the rhetorical question the trained lawyer poses: “for if someone does not know how to manage his own household, how will he care for God’s church?” A total leader is response-able, serves and influences. Now a focus on servanthood.

 

SERVANT-LEADER TAUTOLOGY

Ideally, the term ‘servant-leader’ should’ve been tautological as a leader necessarily must be one who serves. Unfortunately, more often than not, it isn’t so. Leadership is often anything but service. In fact, leadership is so much more synonymous with influence that when Robert Greenleaf introduced the term servant-leader around 1970 he literally mean servant-influencer. Here’s what he says in his The Servant as Leader essay back then:

The servant-leader is servant first. One wants to serve first; then one aspires to lead [influence]. This is sharply different from one who is leader [influencer] first, perhaps because of the need to assuage an unusual power drive or to acquire material possessions. A servant-leader focuses primarily on the growth and well-being of people and the communities to which they belong. The servant-leader shares power, puts the needs of others first, and helps people develop and perform as highly as possible.

 

THE MYSTERY OF MINISTERS

On a recent Lions Inspire Cubs hangout with children (7-14 years) to  introduce them to leadership early, some of the cubs literally gasped when they heard me say that the ministers of state that throw their weight around are actually our servants. “Whaaat?!” Yes, minister is the same word as servant. Who could blame these children, for they have hardly seen as humble servants neither the ministers in politics nor ministers in pulpits. I often quip that if I ever became president of a nation I would change the term ‘ministers of state,’ in order to hear it afresh and for shock effect, to ‘servants of state.’

The last couple of months have been a heated political season on both sides of the Atlantic, particularly with my neighbours to the south (the United States border is barely 45 minutes from where I live in Montreal) and in my homeland Ghana. As I’ve seen the passion and commitment in the campaigning, counting of votes, recounting of votes, challenges in court etc. I can’t help but ask: All these politicians are falling over themselves just to SERVE us, we the people? Perhaps a very tiny fraction but largely no; it is mostly to serve their parochial interests. Even for those response-able influencers who are genuinely laying themselves down to minister to us as servant-leaders may I ask: what kind of servant will they be?

 

SERVANT? WHAT KIND?

 

Just as “love” is just “love” in English but has at least four variants in the Greek, the ancient Hebrew text is rich with a variety of words for “servant.” Four of these different hues of servant are Ehbed, Abad, Sakyir and Sharath. Let me explain.

1. LOVE SERVANT (Ehbed): This type of servant is totally sold out to those (s)he serves, not so much out of obligation and duty or for financial compensation but pure love. The Hebrews of old were not allowed to enslave their own. If any of their own people—Hebrew men or women—however sold themselves to someone (usually out of dire socioeconomic hardship) they were to serve their fellow Hebrew employer only for six years maximum. In the seventh year they must be let go free, liberally loaded with gifts of livestock, grain and wine. But there was a caveat: “…if your servant says to you, “I do not want to leave you,” because he loves you and your family and is well off with you, then take an awl and push it through his earlobe into the door, and he will become your servant for life (you may read the entire text here). The love servant is one at the complete disposal of the person(s) they serve out of love. Are you (or those you’re voting for) at the complete disposal of the people out of love?

2. SACRIFICIAL SERVANT (Abad): This one has given up a lot to serve. They are characterized by complete sacrifice. This is typically a servant who gives up personal rights, including inheritance, in order to work in the fields or tabernacle (see Numbers 18:7 and 23). The Levites of old were abads. As The Maxwell Leadership Bible puts it, “in a similar way, leaders must sacrifice their rights and stay surrendered to the cause.” Are you this kind of sacrificial servant-leader?

3. HIRED SERVANT (Sakyir): This is the quintessential ‘paid professional.’ In other words, a ‘hired hand.’ Irrespective of what they do, there is a clear understanding that they are hired per hour/day/week/whatever and will receive due compensation. Whether it is fair wages or not is not the object of this discussion; their service is paid for. Remember the love servant conversation above (under ehbed)? When a Hebrew sold themselves to work for another Hebrew they were to be treated as hired hands and then contract automatically ended after six years. It is after this they can choose to become a love servant (see Leviticus text). Unfortunately, the closest thing to a servant I see with many ministers of state and church alike is that of a ‘paid professional’. And you know corporate leaders are not there to serve either when they pay themselves fat salaries and juicy bonuses on the backs of suffering employees, even when their companies are struggling for survival! It’s the money and the trappings of the position that is the draw, not love (ehbed) or sacrifice (abad).

4. MENIAL SERVANT (Sharath): This is the down low of service. This is the most beautiful when done not because the servant-leader has no more nobler service to do but a choice to go down low for the sake of raising the people/mission up high. Sharath is the Hebrew word used to describe Joseph’s servanthood in prison (see here) and Joshua’s attendance to Moses as his aide (see Exodus text). A true leader must serve the people and the cause, irrespective of how down low the role may be. By the way, this same Sharath word in certain contexts can stand for worshipper.

 

MODELS: ANCIENT & MODERN

Politicians like Nelson Mandela are too few. I remember as a boy when he was released from prison in February 11, 1990 after 27 years! The whole town where I lived erupted with joy and the sound of cars honking was deafening. Mandela sure had influence–he was a leader. Of that day of freedom he said, “As I walked toward the prison gate and was among the crowd, I raised my right fist and there was a roar. I had not been able to do that for 27 years. It gave me a surge of strength and joy.”

But you know what else he had? The spirit of servanthood. That same evening when he spoke to a large crowd at the Grand Parade in Cape Town, he said, “I stand here before you not as a prophet but as a humble servant of you, the people. Your tireless and heroic sacrifices have made it possible for me to be here today. I therefore place the remaining years of my life in your hands.” I don’t know about you but I can’t help seeing an ebed, abad, sakyir and sharath all wrapped up in one in the man, his words and works–from prison to president.

The ultimate example of leader as servant is the greatest leader who ever lived, Jesus Christ. He called himself ‘Son of Man’ and did not just ‘talk servanthood’ but walked the talk. Anyone who could teach as he did and perform miracles and draw crowds of 15,000 some two millennia ago without social media sure had influence. It is he who called his followers who were jostling for political power, to sit at his right and left in their perceived imminent government of Jesus, and said to them:

“You know that those who are regarded as rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many” (Mark 10:42-45).

I can’t speak for leaders of other faith persuasions but for Christ-followers there is no choice but to love and live and lead like the ultimate servant-leader. Paul writes, “In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus.”

 

CONCLUSION

I initially wrote this piece with a holier-than-thou disposition thinking I was a reasonably good servant-leader myself only to get my bubble burst by my dear wife who gave me painful feedback that I needed to hear: “At home you are more like a boss-servant–a boss who tries to serve. You serve alright but only when you want and how you prefer to.” Ouch! I’m eating humble pie right now.

In the words of my mentor John C. Maxwell, “Leaders must never forget that God calls them to serve. If our Lord [Jesus] could wash His disciples’ feet as a sharath, then how could we frown at becoming an ebed?” So you too, take a long look at the list of four servant types above and a good look in the mirror: which kind of servant are you? Then linger awhile over the lengthy list of those longing for your vote and see whether they are preoccupied with status, salary and stuff or serving. True leaders serve their people towards their purpose; not their parochial interests. I am a recovering boss-servant.

 

What’s Good? | A Values Convo

A common greeting among today’s cool people is “what’s up?” to which one may sometimes get some really sarcastic answers from uncool people (lol!). A not so common greeting would be, “What’s good?” That would be slang for an invitation to a values conversation. I’ll explain.

 

For the last couple of weeks I have been raving about the importance of vision, mission and values. My thesis is that these three are so life-giving, life-forming and life-determining that they are aptly described as DNA, be it personal or corporate. I did share some examples of vision and mission statements of companies as well as my own family’s, encouraging professionals to put in the time and work to hone these and commit to them to the same degree they do their corporate work (if not even more). Now a final word on the third piece of the DNA: values.

 

WHAT ARE VALUES?

Values are what matter most to us—what we value. Yes, our values are literally what we value. They are what we consider to be good, what’s good. What matters most to us about the kind of people we are, the type of work we do and how we behave as we do the work are our values.

Values are the standards a person, family or organization holds to be most important that cause individuals to make decisions and act the way they do.  As a mentor of mine puts it, values “represent how a community aspires to act or function as it carries out its mission in pursuit of is vision.”  I like this element of aspiration—perhaps we may not have quite attained that standard of behaviour or character or whatever ideal yet but it’s on our books to keep reminding us to keep stretching towards it.

So! In summary, if vision is what we want to SEE and mission is what we will DO to see what we want to see then values determine HOW we will behave (be and do) as we do what we want to do in order to see what we want to see.

 

PEELING BACK THE LAYERS

 

Whether ethnic or corporate, culture is basically how things are done here a.k.a behaviour. What many do not realize is that BEHAVIOUR—“what’s done”—is only, quite literally, the tip of the iceberg (which is usually about 10% of the actual size of the iceberg!). Behaviour is only what is seen and experienced on the outside—from dressing to speaking. It’s the soil/crust of the earth (another metaphor), if you like.

Beneath behaviour are the VALUES—“what’s good”—informing it. Digging deeper beneath sea level or soil level we will find the BELIEFS—“what’s true”—or “faith assumptions”, that are determining these values.

Deepest of all, at the bottom of the iceberg or at the core of the earth is our WORLDVIEW—“what’s real.” That is the root of the fruit we see called behaviour or culture.

Whether it is individuals or families, churches or corporations, how many times haven’t we attempted to change behaviour without digging all the way to the worldview source?

 

VALUES ARE NOT PRINCIPLES

I am of the Covey school of thought that values are not synonymous with principles. Principles are timeless, universal laws that govern everything (from physical laws of Physics to spiritual laws) but you can choose to value them and/or have values based on those laws or not. For example, there is a certain ethnic group I have come across that does not give children eggs (behaviour/culture). Undergirding this is not valuing eggs in children’s diet. But underlying this further is a belief that the children would become bald (like an egg) and become thieves (or both). At the very core of this ethnic culture is a certain animistic worldview that produces the belief that leads to the value and produces the behaviour of not feeding children eggs.

This value, no matter how cherished, goes against the principles of nutrition. Breaking the principle because of this value results in protein-energy undernutrition in the community whose two primary chronic forms are kwashiorkor and marasmus.

 

SO WHAT’S GOOD?

It is absolutely essential that everyone, personally and corporately, determine their values. Values comprise part of the DNA that gives, forms  and determines the kind of life you lead. But like the chemical bases that form DNA, it is worth examining the formative beliefs and underlying worldview that bring forth these values. In the end, what’s good is determined by what’s core.

Family DNA: Vision, Mission & Values

What if we took our families as seriously as we take our corporate work, beginning with crafting solid family vision and mission statements and clearly outlining our family values?

 

When I was still in my late teens and learnt about mission statements from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People I was über excited! I was an eager beaver, wanting to learn more and actually crafting one for myself. In addition, I was eager to teach everybody who would listen to craft one too. In fact, a large part of why and how The HuD Group was born was because we wanted to inspire and empower young people to discover their God-given purpose and reach their full potential using tools like personal mission statements. Then I tried to convince my parents to work with my siblings and me to create one for our family. Let’s just say, I did not succeed.

Most of us work in places that have vision and mission statements and a slew of values. Those of us who are C-level leaders are responsible for recasting vision constantly, clearly and creatively as well as rehashing our mission and values. I would surmise the majority of us take this sacred duty of leadership very seriously. How come we don’t do same for our families? Most smart, skillful and dedicated professionals I know have no family vision and mission statements and haven’t bothered to distill the family’s values, let alone clearly state these and have them written down.

Yet as already asserted in a previous article, vision, mission and values are the DNA of both individuals and organizations as they are really of life-giving, life-forming and life-replicating essence. So it is with families. While every family has its physical DNA passed down from ancestors, how about the important metaphysical DNA represented by our families’ vision, mission and values?

Today, I wish to share with you my own nuclear family’s vision and mission statement for our home. We have a broader vision and mission that encompass not only our home but also all the corporate and charity ventures we’re involved in but what I’m sharing here is specific to our home.

 

VISION FOR THE PERBI HOME

An INCUBATOR for hatching godly, effectual leaders for the mission of God.

 

MISSION STATEMENT OF THE PERBI HOME

Ours is a family in which God delights because God is the centre of all activities in this household. Every ordinary activity becomes worship by practising God’s presence.

We are first and foremost Christians thus sharing fellowship and building each other up by lifestyle is a matter of course, and if necessary doing so with words. The flame on our Family Altar shall always burn brightly.

In our household, Jesus Christ is the standard of behaviour. This is the Potter’s house, where God by His Spirit moulds members and guests alike to conform to the image of Christ in attitude, thought, word and deed. The Word of God is our family constitution.

Ours is a neat, comfortable, cosy, Spirit-filled home; an inspiring environment which is as stimulating as is peaceful, is grace-filled, God-honouring, purpose-driven, paradigm-shifting, principle-centred, and character-based. Any entertainment must be wholesome, building & beneficial.

The Perbis’ is a home full of warm, smiling, serviceable and humble people who will at all times be of use to each other and to all of God’s people in a holistic manner.

This is a missionary family—living missionally, raising, receiving, sending and supporting carriers of the gospel of Jesus Christ. 

That it will always be said of our home, our legacy, all to the glory of God: the standard of a Christian marriage, the epitome of a true Christian family.

 

CONCLUDING ENCOURAGEMENT

At the start of each week, as we round up our weekly sabbath, we remind ourselves of our vision and mission statement. Even our three-year old knows what our vision is. She can shout “incubator!” Not only are our values embedded in our family mission statement, the children find the English version of their names in there as well.

This is holy work and I insist that every coaching client of mine works with their spouse and children (if they’re grown enough to contribute) to work on crafting solid family vision and mission statements and clearly outlining their family values. And of course, a key thing is to ensure that their personal and family values align with who they’re working for/with in the corporate world. No DNA, no life. Good DNA, good life. Bad DNA, bad news. Let’s take our families as seriously, nay, even more seriously than we do our workplaces. After all, companies come and go but family is forever.

 

GET COACHED | How does it work?

“Your journey to leadership is likely to take many unexpected turns. Life is full of challenging situations, including ethical dilemmas, midcourse career changes or burnout, seemingly intractable interpersonal challenges, marriage and family issues, failures, and loneliness. At times, you may feel you are losing your way or have gotten off course from your True North. Getting back on track alone is very difficult, perhaps even impossible” (Bill George). That’s why you need a coach.

 

 

If you’ve followed me on social media over the last few days you should’ve noticed a couple of posts about my excitement to train a group of Medical Superintendents in Ghana on Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Of course everybody needs (EQ) but one reason doctors in particular do is that they tend to think because they are smart and got into med school they would be successful in life and leadership. To our rude shock (and I say ‘our’ because I am a doctor myself), after a certain threshold, intelligence (IQ) doesn’t matter anymore, and what gives the winning edge to succeed is all EQ.

 

NO ONE CAN HELP THEMSELVES WITHOUT BEING HELPED

After an hour of training on what EQ is, five reasons why it’s key and how to acquire it, I left them with Boyatzis’s theory of self-directed learning. I first encountered this during my read of Primal Leadership, a book he co-authored with the chap who most popularized EQ from 1995 till date, Daniel Goleman. Boyatzis’s map (see below) begins with a hopeful “Who do I want to be?”, a picture of your ideal self. This existential question is at the very apex of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (if you remember); it is a question of self-actualization. But the next question, which in my opinion really should be the first, is ‘Who am I?’, your real self.

Integrating those two questions reveals one’s strengths (where your ideal and real self overlap) and your gaps (where your ideal and real self differ). Your learning agenda or growth plan, therefore, basically involves building on your strengths while reducing your gaps. And so you begin: experimenting with new thoughts (head), feelings (heart) and behaviours (hands). Practicing your new behaviours actually results in building new neural pathways to success/mastery.

 

But here is the kicker: Central to all of these points, steps, and pathways is “DEVELOPING TRUSTING RELATIONSHIPS that help, support and encourage each step in the process.” Again, that’s where a professional coach comes in. Even in this so-called ‘self-directed’ learning, no man is an island and needs the vital trusted relationships to make their growth and goals happen.

 

COACHING MOMENT

Do you have someone that will tell you the truth and to whom you can tell the truth? Do you have the authentic relationships and customized resources to clarify your beliefs and values and understand vital personal and professional issues and receive honest feedback when you need it most? 

A coach’s responsibility is to provide content, insight, tools, wisdom, framework, ideas, and feedback.  YOUR responsibility is to move from awareness to action and accountability.  Our coaching provides many structures for you to meet your individual and organizational goals.

For John Maxwell certified coaches like myself, whether it’s one-on-one executive coaching or one-on-few, we like to say that the objectives of coaching include, but are not limited to:

• Discovery of personal identity, emotional needs, purpose (vision & mission) and values
• Crafting of personal, professional and corporate Growth Plan
• Adding an objective and supportive third party to your leadership team
• Increasing accountability of your personal and professional goals
• Improving specific skills related to your role.  Such as managerial skills, communication, conflict resolution, time management, productivity, and effectiveness
• Sharing best practices from other organizations that have done similar work
• Reviewing strategic business decisions related to operations, customer service, marketing, financials, and more
• Being a sounding board
• Preventing problems, thereby avoiding expensive, time consuming or embarrassing actions
• Supporting your growth past your limiting beliefs
• Conflict resolution
• Creating a team atmosphere
• Relationship development for success and significance.

 

COACHING OPTIONS (FOR C-LEVEL EXECUTIVES, OWNERS & GENERAL MANAGERS)

Coaching Categories: Depending on your goals and budget, at YAW PERBI we offer Green, Blue and Gold level coaching. Currently only Gold services are available, and they are limited.

Time & Place: All coaching programs require a minimum time investment of 6-12 months.  Coaching is a marathon, rather than a sprint! Depending on whether Green, Blue or Gold level, the coaching package includes 2, 3 or 4 sessions a month lasting approximately 60-90 minutes. Sessions can be at your office, my place of business, or a mutually agreed upon location.  In these days of COVID-19, online coaching is our mainstay via Zoom. Phone coaching is also an option but I prefer to see the individual to observe body language and such.

Special arrangements:  Sometimes included in a gold package is two full days of shadowing, facilitation of a two meetings of your choice (up to 2 hours each), and unlimited phone calls and emails in between sessions.  In addition, you or any of your employees will benefit from a 25% discount for any company training/workshops.

Other coaching services: Group Coaching, Sales Coaching, Couples Coaching, Business Partner Coaching, Youth Coaching, Relationship Coaching, Genogram Coaching and more (they include these but not limited to them).

Payment arrangements: These are to be made before services are provided, and as agreed upon via this website, mobile money, PayPal, cheques or bank transfers.

Miscellaneous: We will always be punctual. If you need to reschedule, 24 hours advance notice is required or one-half of the coaching session is lost.  If for some reason I need to reschedule and do not do so with a 24-hour notice, you will be credited with an additional one-half coaching session, at no additional charge. Our coaching relationship is completely confidential.  We will never share your identity or any information about you with any other person or organization without your expressed consent.   In the unlikely event that there are concerns that need to be referred to another professional, I may be able to make that suggestion to you.

Completing our coaching relationship is a mutual decision.  While my retention percentage is very high, there may come a time when you determine that it is time to complete our coaching relationship.  If and when that time comes, I expect that the coachee will give me at least four weeks’ notice.  That will give us time to summarize your growth/learning and strategize your next steps.

Our services are unconditionally guaranteed.  If at any time you feel that you are not getting the support, honesty, coaching, or training that you expect, then you need to tell me.

 

LET’S GO!

If you are serious about growth, success and significance you need a coach.  The proof of your commitment is your investment of quality time, best effort and substantial money. Even as a coach, I also have a paid coach. Everybody needs somebody to coach them. So! Make arrangements here and now for a 30-minute exploratory call to see if we would be a good match.

 

A Global Gathering: the blessing in the curse.

 

As you already might know I am the Global CEO of The HuD Group, a faith-based leader development organization that originated from Ghana but now has presence in over 20 countries of the world, on all six continents.

For the last four years, every November we have hosted a HuD CEOs Confab. In 2016 we had two separate CEO gatherings in Accra, Ghana and Montreal, Canada. This was followed by the 2017 Confab in Alexandria and Cairo in Egypt. In 2018 we were in Dubai. Last year, 2019, we met in Abidjan and Bouake, in the Francophone West African nation of La Cote d’Ivoire. In 2020 we had planned a special Confab with our spouses and were supposed to be in Israel but here we are, thanks to COVID-19!

Today was Day 1 of our annual Confab. We met on Zoom. The blessing of that though is that nearly EVERYONE was able to show up (with most spouses present) because there was no hustle getting time off regular work,  no financial or ticketing challenges and above all no visa headaches! 

Thanks to modern technology, amidst a global pandemic we joined the call from eastern and western Canada, USA, Nepal, Switzerland, Uganda, Ghana, Mexico, Germany, The Gambia, Cote d’Ivoire, Sierra Leone, Kenya,  Guatemala, Somalia and Australia. A few of us should join from Nigeria, Liberia, Pakistan and Colombia in the coming days, DV.

Our theme is “LEADING OUT OF THE STRENGTH OF OUR MARRIAGES: The Place of Fulfilling Emotional Needs” and we have an AMAZING Canadian couple to lead us into that.

 

THE KRAEMER ICING ON THE CAKE

 

Gerry and Kathy both grew up in Western Canada where they committed their lives to Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord during their adolescent years. Immediately after marrying in 1981, God called them in a clear and dramatic fashion to serve Him in the French-speaking province of Quebec, Canada. Ever since, they have been in full-time Christian ministry together, including five years with Campus Crusade for Christ (evangelism and discipleship), 22 years of pastoral ministry and six years as the chaplain of the Montreal Alouettes professional football team.

In 2007, “the gates of hell” unleashed a serious of attacks on the Kraemer’s marriage and they plummeted to the brink of divorce. In the summer of 2008, during a week of intensive counselling with Larry & Lorrie Russell at the SHM Retreat Center in Ontario, Canada, God completely healed, restored and transformed their marriage. Upon returning home, they immediately began to share the amazing story of the miracle of  the “resurrection of their marriage” to individuals and groups in their entourage…and God used their story to touch, encourage and heal marriages around them.

The opportunities continued to increase so dramatically that they resigned from their pastoral position in the fall of 2010 in order to dedicate themselves to a full-time ministry of speaking (prevention) and counselling (crisis intervention) to help couples. Today, they speak and teach together at conferences, Bible Camps, retreats, banquets and Bible Schools in both English and French, sharing with thousands of people the tools that can help them experience a healthy and flourishing marriage. Their honesty, practicality and humor make them easy to listen to and the wisdom of their teaching is hard to forget.

Gerry and Kathy reside in Terrebonne, Quebec and they are the parents of three young adults:  Timothy, Jessica and Rebecca. In their spare time they enjoy golf, tennis, traveling and spoiling their grandchildren both in Canada and the USA!

 

CONCLUSION

Wow! What a big blessing amidst the Covid curse. Oh! And today happens to be U.S. Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving!

Personal and Corporate DNA: Vision, Mission and Values

Your vision, mission and values constitute your DNA, personal and corporate. Here’s why and how.

 

Whether one-on-one executive coaching or one-on-few, an exercise that energizes me most is getting into personal/corporate vision, mission and values. Once, I was invited to be a keynote speaker at an organization whose founder and CEO I greatly admire and respect. After the plane ride and having rested up, I got to their premises and looked round their impressive corporate building (no mortgage; all already paid for). I couldn’t help noticing the huge murals that spelt out the organization’s vision and mission. They were literally bill boards all over the walls trying to spell out why they existed and what they sort to accomplish.

Then I began to be concerned as what had been stated as their vision looked like what should be the mission and the mission was… well, let’s just say I was concerned. How was I to bring this up to the ‘big man’ without offending him too much, especially knowing how vital vision, mission and values are in giving life and forming persons and organizations? Without a deep and urgent intervention regarding the writings on the wall, I was afraid the writing was on the wall.

 

SOME CORPORATE SCIENCE

Permit the doctor in me to explain some fundamentals about DNA. DNA is the material that carries all the information about how a living thing will look and function. Each piece of information is carried on a different section of the DNA. These sections are called genes. DNA is short for deoxyribonucleic acid. It is in every cell of every living thing, even your fingernails! DNA is tiny but consequential; scientists need to use very powerful microscopes to see them. DNA has a complex structure but basically looks like a ladder that is twisted into a spiral. Each piece of DNA has two long strands (like the sides of a ladder). The two strands are joined together by chemical bases that form the rungs of the ladder.

Person and organizations are living things also. Vision, mission and values are the stuff that carry all the information about how they will look and function, survive and thrive. Vision and mission are akin to the two helical strands of DNA and values are the pieces that hold both sides together like the rungs of a ladder. This is the biochemistry of corporations.

Do you know that what determines how you look (eg. colour and texture of your hair, colour of your eyes and skin), how your lungs work, your blood type etc. are all determined by DNA? There are about 3 billion pairs of the chemical bases on the strands that connect with the other strand. The order in which the bases are arranged is very important. It forms a code that tells cells to make certain kinds of proteins. The differences in these proteins is what makes different living things—such as a plant, a panther, and two different people—different. You and I are different as persons, so are Unilever and Microsoft, or F.C. Barcelona and Manchester United, based on DNAs. Arsenal’s DNA codes for redness and Chelsea’s for blueness.

When DNA works correctly, it helps keep the body functioning properly. DNA helps cells to make proteins, which the cells need to live. DNA also allows living things to reproduce. The genes in DNA pass along physical traits from parents to children. Sometimes there are mistakes in DNA. These mistakes are called mutations. They can cause diseases and other problems.

 

INTERVENTION

Here are two disturbing observations I’ve made regarding vision, mission and values. One is the peer pressure of having them because just because  ‘everyone else does’ and it’s in vogue. This pressure to look good because you have a mission statement on your office wall has gone even to the extent that people even look at those of companies or persons they admire and just blindly copy them as their own! Imagine my body copying your body’s DNA! The other disturbing observation is that people have no idea which is which (particularly vision and mission) and have them all over the place! If you need personal or corporate coaching to get this right, please do! This is vital. Vision, mission and values are really the life-giving, life-forming and life-replicating essence of persons and organizations.

 

VISION & MISSION

Vision is literally what we want to SEE. It is about Being. Think of it as a noun. Mission is what we want to DO to see what we want to see. It is about Doing. Think of it as a verb.

So for example, my vision for this executive education company YAW PERBI is to see a flourishing global ecosystem of authentic leaders characterized by healthy growth, holistic success and lasting significance. Consequently, our mission is to offer authentic and customized relationships and resources to C-level executives to grow personally, succeed professionally and become significant corporately.

Another family company that is into library services for children is known as Perbi Cubs. That company has a different DNA from YAW PERBI, though both entities bear the name Perbi and have some things in common. The DNA of Perbi Cubs is different because its vision, mission and values are different. The vision of Perbi Cubs is to see EVERY African family successful as a product of an enlightening culture of leisure reading. And what are they doing to see what they want to see a.k.a mission? To deliver an evidence-based, literacy-promoting endeavour to an engaged community of families hungry to know more so they can be more, do better and succeed. 

Yet another family business, Trenor Coats & Gowns Ltd., has had a vision since its founding in 2009 to be a leader in the textiles care industry in West Africa. The mission is to provide customers with world-class textile care services driven by state-of-the-art facilities, trained and dedicated employees, and superior customer services.

By now you’ve had enough to chew on regarding the double DNA helix of vision and mission. I’ll save the rungs of the DNA, values, for a later blog.

 

AT THE END OF THE DAY

Individuals and organizations ought to make the time to clearly hone out their clear vision, passionate mission and compelling values. This is a fundamental function of leadership. The help of a coach or consultant is highly recommended. It must be done right. I strongly advise individuals to make sure that their personal DNA aligns with the corporate DNA of whatever organization they work for/with (or seek to work for/with). DNA is life. No DNA, no life; bad DNA, bad life–be it personal or corporate. Choose life!

I’m Serving Up: Here’s How.

 

Like leadership, there are umpteen definitions of culture. My favourite is the simplest. Culture, whether ethnic or corporate, is simply the way things are done here. How things are seen to be done at YAW PERBI is determined, like Apple or Android, by our unseen Operating System (OS). That OS or worldview feeds our beliefs, informs our values, which in turn determine our behaviour.

As we carry out our vision and mission, here are our 7 YP values and what they mean:

 

1. People. We value people: People come first; not stuff. People are the only creation that bear the imago Dei (image of God). That should mean something; everything.

a. We are aware that without people we are nothing.

b. We value relationships and foster community.

c. We grow people, clarifying their identity, giving them purpose, unearthing gifts, nourishing persons to flourish.

d. We pride in, promote and protect family.

e. We offer high care to our clientele, with a great deal of empathy.

f. Our exceptional client experience leaves them feeling wonderfully valued.

 

2. Growth. We value growth: We grow or die. There’s no middle way.

a. We invest in ourselves and invest in others’ growth; continually.

b. We are sworn to lifelong learning in a diverse community till we die.

c. We strive to be knowledgeable and enlightened in order to succeed.

d. We expect pain to be associated with grown and have made peace with the fact.

 

3. Particularity. We value particularity: One size doesn’t fit all. Each client is different and has a unique life story and makeup. 

a. We see and treat each person reverently, as wonderfully made.

b. We invest in getting to know our clients’ life stories, identity, purpose, and SHAPE.

c. We honour the above (a & b) by customizing our offerings.

d. We provide tools to discover and affirm uniqueness of each client and match them to the appropriate relationships and resources.

e. We pride in and promote the prestige of the executive class.

 

4. Excellence. We value excellence: We go above and beyond. 

a. We exceed expectations as a habit.

b. We work hard and play hard.

c. We take our word and commitments seriously.

d. We do not compromise on quality–it is a virtue.

e. We do anything that is worth doing, well.

 

5. Success. We value success: We are passionate about all-round prosperity. 

a. We are committed to the progressive realization of worthy goals and ideals; our clients’ goals are ours.

b. We inspire and motivate ourselves and our clientele to see and seize their dreams.

c. We long for holistic success.

d. We are victory connoisseurs.

 

6. Authenticity. We value authenticity: No fake folks or fake news, no fake products or services. 

a. We lead, coach, author, speak and train with integrity.

b. We are truthful about ourselves and our offerings.

c. We can be trusted.

d. Our ways and means are proven to produce desired results. What we promote works.

e. We are in public who we are in private.

f. We are holistic in thinking and living, in our being and doing.

g. We strive to live and lead such that those who know us and love us the best (family and friends) respect us the most.

 

7. Significance. We value significance: We live to ‘make a dent in the universe’. 

a. We look outward, beyond ourselves.

b. We work towards things that benefit communities, nations and generations.

c. We are inspired by the thought that our best works will outlive us.

d. We bear in mind that only what is done for God’s glory by God’s grace will last.

 

WHAT’S COOKING & HOW WE’RE SERVING

So now, you don’t only know our menu–the vision and mission–you also know the manner in which we plan to dish it all out. I’m serving up. Take a seat.